acequeenking | Fun Things in the Iliad

I've been re-reading the Iliad for

classiclitclub , and man, there are so many delightful little asides between the Gods that I'd forgotten about. And listen, they are all so delightful I'm gonna share because otherwise, I'll forget:

:: Hades who is the world's most delightfully swole crybaby, who takes an arrow to his arm and is VERY MAD ABOUT IT and WISHES TO MAKE A COMPLAINT (which is even more delightful because this passage always describes him as basically ripped AF - gigantic/tremendous/huge):

Among these too mighty Hades endured a swift arrow
when the very same man, the son of Zeus who wields the aegis,
struck him amid the dead in Pylos,
and delivered him to pain; but he went to the house of Zeus and high Olympus
hurt in heart, pierced with pain, the arrow
lodged in his powerful shoulder, stricken in spirit;
Paiëon sprinkling medicines that kill pain
healed him; for Hades was not born for death.
Wicked man! Evil-doer, who cared nothing as he performed his evil deeds,
who with his bow brought pain to the gods who hold Olympus!

I've been trying to figure out what this refers to seems to be a manner of debate, since we don't have an extent myth that puts them together at Pylos beyond this, which is a SHAME because I will eternally love the idea of Hades gathering the dead and getting hit during a battle and being so pissed off about it instead of going for fate's sake under his voice, he instead marches all the way to Olympus like ZEUS, CONTROL YOUR SPROG! At least he got some deified aspirin for the trip home.

:: Hera, Who is Not Taking This Insult from Zeus Lying Down, Dammit:

And yet my labor must not be rendered worthless;
for I too am a god, and my parentage is from the same place as yours,
and devious Cronus bore me to be his eldest daughter.
For both these reasons, my birth and also because I am called
your wife, and you are lord among all the immortals.

I absolutely love the subtle put-down here; I'm queen of heaven, but not only because I'm your wife. Hera has an autonomy that's rarely explored (the woman extemporaneously gave birth out of spite over Athena!) and I love her actually pointing out she's the one in charge of this pony show by rights at least sometimes, thanks. I quite like the idea of Hera as oldest, though that's one that only appears here in Homer, AFAIK; most have her and Zeus as the youngest of the siblings of their respected genders. (And, oddly, middle children Demeter and Poseidon got together at least briefly, leaving Hades and Hestia the two odd ones out who didn't shag their siblings with the corresponding birth order between the sexes - through Hades got as close as possible to gettin' in on this family tree again by shagging his niece instead. Who is about as related to him as a sister is, because her parents were his siblings. What a thorny family tree this is; least Hestia got out of these incest shenanigans.) Hera is an absolute force in this book in general - I'm so excited I'm almost to the point where she seduces Zeus to help turn the tide for her own side. Not gonna lie, that's my favorite chapter!

:: Hephaestus, who is So Tired of being the Family Peacemaker:

To them Hephaestus, famed for his art, began to speak,
comforting his dear mother, white-armed Hera:
“To be sure this will be a deadly business,
not to be born, if you two quarrel this way for the sake of mortals,
carrying on this jabbering among the gods;
nor will there be any pleasure from our noble feast
if unseemliness prevails. I advise my mother, sensible as she is,
to be agreeable to our dear father Zeus,
so that our father will not reproach us again,
and throw our feast into disorder.
For what if the Olympian wielder of lightning wished to
blast us from our seats—for he is much the strongest.
Rather address him with gentle words;
then straightway will the Olympian be favorable to us.”

Poor boy. I love how he is so very clearly used to trying to put out the fires between his parents; mom and dad, can you please not start yelling at one over the banquet? Dad's strongest, we gotta finesse him, mom, it's a seduction not a— oh god, please don't call dad a philandering lout — Oh, please don't throw the gravy boat at me, mom. I'm not on his side, I'm not on anyone's side! SIGH. God this sucks. Why can't we have one family dinner that doesn't end in WAR?!

:: Zeus, who is So Tired of Ares Being Ares:

Then looking at him from under his brows
Zeus who gathers the clouds addressed him:
“Do not, you double-faced, sit beside me whimpering complaint.
You are to me most hateful of the gods who hold Olympus;
always contention is dear to you, and fighting and battles.
The rage of your mother Hera is uncontainable, unyielding;
and I with difficulty control her with my words.
Therefore I think that you will suffer for her promptings.
Yet I will not allow you to bear your pain for long;
for you are born of me, and your mother bore you to me.
But had you been born so ruinous of any other god,
you would long ago have been made even lower than the fallen Titans.”

Athena comes off as Zeus' favorite and here even more so. It's interesting that he basically blames Ares shortcomings on Hera; I mean, I think Ares shares her temper too, but let's be real, Zeus, you're not exactly a paragon of patience here. The put-down here is pretty savage, and telling Ares if he was literally anyone else's kid he'd be below Tartarus (with the Titans). Politics aside (though, on a tangent even though this is a metaphorical imprisonment — does this mean that Hades is subservient to Zeus? Or they get along good enough he could just be like HEY HADES PUT THIS KIDDO AWAY HE'S A LITTLE SHIT and trust his brother to know where the bodies are buried? Heh...), that's kind of a horrifying thing to say to your son, Zeus, especially your son who really is only doing what you told him to do when you made him the god of War. Telling Ares not to War is a bit like telling a kid to stop speeding after you bought him a super fast race car. You made this monster yourself!

:: Persephone & Hades, Who Can't Even With This Curse:

when I first left Hellas, the land of lovely women,
fleeing the hostility of my father, Amyntor son of Ormenos,
who was enraged with me on account of his mistress,
she of the fine hair, whom he lay with in love, and dishonored his wife,
my mother; she constantly begged me, at my knees,
to have intercourse with the mistress, so that she would hate the old man.
I obeyed her and did this; my father immediately suspecting
prayed and prayed for a curse upon me,
and called upon the loathsome Furies,
that he might never set upon his knees any dear child born of me;
and the gods fulfilled his curse,
both Zeus of the underworld and dread Persephone.
I was ready to kill him with a sharp bronze sword;
but some one of the immortal gods turned my wits,
who put me in mind of people’s opinion and the censure of mankind
that among the Achaeans I might not be called a parricide.

"Oh dear, look, we've got a new prayer come down to us."
"OOH ARE THERE CURSES? IS IT A CURSE ONE? I LIKE THE CURSE ONES!"

"Yes! It seems this guy is mad over his son...sleeping with his mistress. Hm. Not a great reason. And he wants - not to bounce a grandchild on his knee? That's oddly specific and hardly seems worth involving our talents— "

"EH DOESN'T MATTER. LETS KILL HIM! I'M BORED! OOOH OR BETTER YET, LET'S MAKE HIM KILL HIS DAD! SINCE HIS FATHER IS THE ONE STEPPING OUT ON HIS MARRIAGE, YOU KNOW...MAYBE MAKE THEM KILL EACH OTHER! TWO SOULS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! SEE AREN'T YOU GLAD I'M HERE, I'M EVER SO SMART ABOUT EXPANDING OUR REALM. :D"

"Erm, how about we just make the kid leave his dad's house, dear? We really don't need more souls right now..."

"SIGH FINE. BUT THE NEXT PERSON GETS SNAKES. I'M SOOOOO BOOOOOOOOOORED."

(That the curse is basically pointing out that hey, maybe killing your dad isn't a great idea is forever gonna crack me up.)